how it's going...

Nearly all my hope is lost at this point. Like one of the grad student from my lab said it feels like the end of the world. The economy is bad, and people are just having the worst luck. It hasn't been this bad ever for me, not even in high school, which I don't even want to think about it. And I'm not just talking about frustrations with school, my future, stress from the radio station, etc... It's just everything at once. I'm sure if they happened maybe a couple months apart or if I had maybe a week or two of 'vacation' to catch up and breathe a little, I would recover.

Anyway, I remember my sixth grade English teacher had written in the corner of her blackboard, "Life is not fair." Yes, but those words never made sense to me. If a good person acts good and is kind, then why should he have to suffer or endure so much? (And I don't consider myself a good person, but I still feel like I'm not that terrible, or at least I try not to be.) I have seen liars, cheaters, and thieves receive accolade and praise without much work, but those hardworking, sincere few never get the recognition they deserve. I know... it makes the a 'stronger' person in the end, but how satisfying is that when you feel that others that don't deserve it, get it? How are you suppose to act to get what you want out of life? Are you suppose to be selfish, grabbing everything you can and boastful, showing off all your talents and awards? I have tried to live somewhat within the limits of humility. My personality is a bit passive, so I don't like to brag or flaunt the things I own. I'm a nurturer and care much more about other people than I do for myself. I just don't know.

So I went to church. Honestly, my 'relationship' with God has been somewhat fractured. It deviated from extreme devotion, which expected to get everything I asked for in prayer, to nonchalance -- we stopped going to church after we moved to Texas and I just gave up. But I still asked to go because I needed some kind of inner peace, a comfort that this is just a rough time for the people I love. But the Sunday came and went, although I wasn't expecting an instant change, I was a little surprised I felt more anxious, scared and pessimistic about everything.

So here I am, just trying to survive day to day, cherishing the moment when I lay down to sleep, though even that joy has been slowly taken from me by restlessness about work and small bouts of insomnia. It's hard to go on, trying to hope that each passing day will be better, when deep down you know it won't be -- it'll actually be worse than yesterday. I didn't want to believe it at first, but there it was -- bleak Mondays followed by dreary Tuesdays, all the way to the life-sucking, joyless Fridays. I guess that's how it is -- I'll just learn to deal with it.